Beginning of a new chapter in life

It has been over 2 years since my last visit to this blog. Alot has changed since then. Honestly, I don't remember what happened 2 years ago. One of the reasons why I wanted to blog today. I went back and read some of my earlier posts, It felt like reading a memoir. an incomplete memoir. A big piece of me that I now recognize is missing. I feel like I have changed so much ... actually no, changed isn't the right word. I would say I've discovered myself or I understand myself a little better now. This post is an entry for my future self to fill in the gap for the last 2 years. Let's see if facebook can help remind me of my activities over the past 2 years. *jump to 2013*

[Flashback]

January 2013: Javascript ... (skip) (skip) lyrics. nothing interesting

[Scene ends. darkness]

[Flashback]

Fast forward to 2014:

Applying to universities for masters. secretly giving IELTS. FYP. watching my friends applying for jobs and giving interviews. Degree about to end. fear of failing 'Software for Mobile Devices' and hence not graduating.  Moment when I find out I passed. Cleared the degree on time. sigh of relief. return to Riyadh. Hearing about friends starting their jobs. Sort of going into depression not knowing what's next for me. Finally find out that I got accepted in Masters program. Back to Lahore for graduation. saying goodbye to friends and family.

[Scene ends. darkness]

Last 10 days of August 2014: I finally had peace of mind that I wasn't going to be sitting idle at home with no job. At the same time, I didn't want to leave home. I had come back to live with my parents after 4 years, I didn't want to leave. But I didn't know how to say it.

[Scene ends. darkness]

[New life begins]

I arrived in Ottawa on 1st September 2014. I was going to be living with my brother after about 7 years. I didn't know what to expect. Moving to a new place without my parents. Before this day, I had mentioned to several of my friends how I wanted to be independent. Now I had the opportunity. Not just opportunity, it became a need. I needed to become independent, and it scared me. My brother showed me once how to use the bus, got me a SIM and the next day I was on my own. Figuring out bus routes, getting to university, resolving administrative issues, getting settled in a new environment... All of a sudden being independent didn't seem so appealing. My approach in all new situations is always the same. Pretend to be brave for the first couple of days and then you get used to it. On the inside I would be scared, on the outside, I can do it, I can do it. Rip the bandage off. Do it!! The technique worked. I made it through the first semester. I survived on my own.

Now when I think back, I realize I had so much time on my hands, I could have done so much, I could have explored the city, but I wasn't ready to be THAT brave. I did just enough to show my parents (and maybe myself) that I could handle myself, that they don't need to worry about sending me away.

Second semester began. By now I was used to the university environment and so was ready to face a few extra challenges. I started attending events, became career oriented, participated as a volunteer, pushing myself to socialize and make contacts. What did I learn. Volunteer, sure. I can do it. Socialize. not my thing. (I will leave this for another post). Overall, hectic semester. juggling between assignments, projects, presentations, seminars, coop interviews. At the same time, I enjoyed it. I had great professors. I rediscovered my love for programming. I got a summer internship. everything was working out great.

Semester ends. short visit to Riyadh. So happy to meet my best friend/neighbor once again. Sad I couldn't stay to attend her big day.

Summer internship starts. Mom returns with me. Almost 4 months in now. I absolutely loved it. I love working, I am a workaholic. My state these days is ... as long as I am at work, I'm happy. I come home, I keep thinking about work. I can't wait to get back to work the next day. I was going through my tweets the other day and realized what a geek I've become. I don't want to go back to studies after this experience. Work aside, this summer I also realized something else. The last 8 months had a greater impact on me than I realized. I thought I was pushing myself to go out. At some point that changed. I got used to it. I got used to doing things on my own. Now the situation is slightly different from the first 8 months and I can feel the difference.

...to be continued

I'm Fine

Derek: How is Meredith anyway?

Cristina: Fine. 

Derek: She’s always fine. That’s her problem. 

Cristina: We’re fine people. We do fine. We’re fine.

...In the Absence of Hope

MEREDITH: “…You think you have forever, but you don’t… I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today.”CRISTINA: [pauses, then drags Meredith out of bed] “Whatever. Everybody has problems. Get your ass out of bed and get to work. NOW! Move, move, move!”

Optimist vs Pessimist. Which am I? (posted on Oct 14, 2012)

I’ve thought about this quite often. I’m always trying to be an optimist. Always hoping that things will work out for the best eventually if not immediately. I’m not saying I don’t think about what could go wrong. It’s natural that the thought occurs, but I force myself to not think of it and instead  think of how something could be positive.

But at times, while talking to people, I think is this the right approach? People think about the future and plan. I avoid thinking of the future, avoid thinking of what could go wrong. As a result I don’t prepare myself. I tell people that chances are that things won’t work out the way you plan, so why worry about it now? I mean, worry now, and worry later. isn’t it better to relax now and worry when you actually have to. 

I see bad things happening all around me, but instead of criticizing the culprit, I wonder what was he thinking while committing such an act? what forced him into this? what went wrong in his life that made him this way?

I’m afraid that by not seeing the truth for what it is, closing my eyes to reality, I’m hiding myself inside a bubble where I think no evil exists. But the problem is just because I refuse to see the evil, doesn’t mean that evil doesn’t exist or that it won’t hunt me down and prove me wrong. What if I realize it too late?

Okay, so I’m realizing now that right in the start I said I try to think positive, and this entire post is about what could go wrong, that’s quite negative.  =/

B for Busy. B for Bored

During the Semester, can’t wait for summer holidays. During the final exams, literally counting days when the exams will be over and I’ll have freedom. freedom to do anything I want (almost anything )

First day of vacation, yayyyy holidays, sleep it off.

second day, yayyyyynessss. I can do anything I want. catch up with tv shows or something

third day, ummm, what do I do now?

fourth day, call up friends asking them what to do. how to spend the summer.

remaining holidays. I’m bored. tell me what to do. I have nothing to do. aarrrggghhh.

This is how I spend my summer. These days I’m so bored out of my mind. nothing interests me anymore. yeah I watch tv-shows but unlike before, I’m just watching them to finish them off. sure once I start watching, it grabs my attention, keeps me busy for 2 days, and then again I’m like now what. then feel guilty about wasting holidays, work a little and then again start another tv show and the cycle keeps repeating. This is how spent a month. time flies by.

Before starting university, I used to love watching movies, and now I can’t get myself to start watching a movie. my frequency of watching movies every weekend or daily on vacation has dropped down to once or twice a month. i like movies but it just doesn’t grab my attention like it used to. All the time I have this voice in the back of my head telling me you are wasting time. you should work. so I start to work, and I get really involved in it. work continuously for hours non-stop. but then there comes a point when you get exhausted and you take a break, and then that break doesn’t end.

The worst thing is when I start thinking. my mind goes haywire, it just starts to work and think and think and think and think and think and think and …… never stops. and even if I try I can’t stop it. I try to think of something particular, remember something, I can’t because I feel like I have a mind block. its just the worst feeling ever. due to this I feel lazy and tired all the time.  I want to think about important things like set goals for myself. Plan for the future but NO, my brain’s too busy processing other stuff to care what I want to think about =/

so the point of this this entire post was that the only thing that has managed to grab my attention this summer is TEDxTalks. sure I’m wasting time but I also get the feeling that I’m learning something. these will definitely help me somewhere sometime in life. Although I must admit, because of my busy brain my memory has become so bad I can’t recall what I heard moments after I complete the video. yeah so anyways, I’m gonna be posting the good ones here, try to check ‘em out. you won’t be disappointed.

Suicide Bombers (posted on June 26, 2012)

I came across this piece of writing, and it reminded me of “suicide bombers” as mentioned by Nadeem Chawhan, A guest speak in my Organisational Behavior class.

http://haveheart.com/features/self.html

It’s important for us to stay away from suicide bombers, but its not really that easy 

I’ll try looking for what I mean by suicide bombers here. *youtube search*. Long search. can’t find it at the moment. If I come across it later, I’ll post it then.

basically the concept is that anybody who spreads negative thoughts is a suicide bomber. so stay away from them.

I did it Again (posted on june 12, 2012)

I know, I know…I said I wouldn’t stop blogging, but the truth is after the exams ended, I forgot I had a blog =/ SADNESS. seriously, what kind of blogger am I if I forget about my own blog. I’ll try my best that it doesn’t happen again.

I’m happy today. over the past year, I thought I changed. Today, I realized, I didn’t change after all. I realized I’m my mom’s copy, and these similarities, no one can change them about me. Now, what I thought were changes, I wouldn’t call them changes anymore. I would call them exceptions, in the form of best friends.

okay, that’s a short post. I’m out of things to say =/

ummm…its a start. better than nothing, right?