Not in my own words

1. 

"I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point in my career, I started to believe “help” was a four-letter word. OK, well, it technically is, but you know what I mean. Somewhere, I had picked up the idea that asking for helpwas tantamount to admitting weakness, and ultimately, failure. It wasn’t until I had a team of my own to manage that I realized that there’s real value in admitting “Hey! I need help.” I had a few employees who were in their first jobs out of college, and, to put it bluntly, they had a lot to learn. I didn’t expect them to know everything—yet, somehow, they always seemed to think that I did, and, by consequence, that they shouldn’t ask questions. It rarely ended well." 

source: http://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2012/09/20/the-right-way-to-ask-for-help-at-work/ 

2. 

I work at at a technology company. I've been there for a while now, but the more recent hires are more specialized and experienced. I haven't specialized within the company, I don't have their years of work and life experience, and I don't feel like I have their general level of confidence, either. I also don't feel like I know our software as well as I should after so many years of working on various parts of it. I know I'm smart, or at least I used to be; maybe I'm just feeling dumb now because I've finally found a bunch of smart people to work with? In any case, feeling dumb really stresses me out, because intelligence has been such a huge part of my identity, and that's really hurting my performance. I don't get a lot of positive feedback, I don't usually get negative feedback when I expect it, but I also get unexpected negative feedback sometimes, which really hurts (because I try to anticipate all criticism), and fear of negative feedback is one reason I don't reach out to co-workers more often. I can ask for help on some things, but I feel like I need more help than I should, so I don't always ask for help even when it could be useful. I want to feel good at my job. I want somebody to notice and say something about my work being good. Maybe my coworkers don't remember or understand the need for that, because they're more experienced, more confident generally, more interested in just doing their own work? Or maybe I'm just really not doing well, or at least not doing anything noteworthy in any way. Which is how I feel, but I don't know how to change it. 

source: comments at: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/shrinkingcamel/2009/06/25/are-you-feeling-stupid-at-work-im-here-to-help/

3.

Separate your own ego: I used to think I was egoless, because I felt insecure, so where’s the ego there? But it is there. Ego is just as involved in insecurity as it is in arrogance. You’re worried about how the world is perceiving you. You’re fearing people will spot your imperfections. You’re attached to and driven by the opinions of others. Acknowledge your ego. Know that if your response to someone is based on fear, it’s your ego talking, telling you you’re not good enough. The more aware of it you are, the more you can learn to separate from it and send it love, instead of letting it control you and your emotions. 

source: http://gentlelivingonline.com/confidence-2/how-to-stop-feeling-intimidated-by-people/

Beginning of a new chapter in life

It has been over 2 years since my last visit to this blog. Alot has changed since then. Honestly, I don't remember what happened 2 years ago. One of the reasons why I wanted to blog today. I went back and read some of my earlier posts, It felt like reading a memoir. an incomplete memoir. A big piece of me that I now recognize is missing. I feel like I have changed so much ... actually no, changed isn't the right word. I would say I've discovered myself or I understand myself a little better now. This post is an entry for my future self to fill in the gap for the last 2 years. Let's see if facebook can help remind me of my activities over the past 2 years. *jump to 2013*

[Flashback]

January 2013: Javascript ... (skip) (skip) lyrics. nothing interesting

[Scene ends. darkness]

[Flashback]

Fast forward to 2014:

Applying to universities for masters. secretly giving IELTS. FYP. watching my friends applying for jobs and giving interviews. Degree about to end. fear of failing 'Software for Mobile Devices' and hence not graduating.  Moment when I find out I passed. Cleared the degree on time. sigh of relief. return to Riyadh. Hearing about friends starting their jobs. Sort of going into depression not knowing what's next for me. Finally find out that I got accepted in Masters program. Back to Lahore for graduation. saying goodbye to friends and family.

[Scene ends. darkness]

Last 10 days of August 2014: I finally had peace of mind that I wasn't going to be sitting idle at home with no job. At the same time, I didn't want to leave home. I had come back to live with my parents after 4 years, I didn't want to leave. But I didn't know how to say it.

[Scene ends. darkness]

[New life begins]

I arrived in Ottawa on 1st September 2014. I was going to be living with my brother after about 7 years. I didn't know what to expect. Moving to a new place without my parents. Before this day, I had mentioned to several of my friends how I wanted to be independent. Now I had the opportunity. Not just opportunity, it became a need. I needed to become independent, and it scared me. My brother showed me once how to use the bus, got me a SIM and the next day I was on my own. Figuring out bus routes, getting to university, resolving administrative issues, getting settled in a new environment... All of a sudden being independent didn't seem so appealing. My approach in all new situations is always the same. Pretend to be brave for the first couple of days and then you get used to it. On the inside I would be scared, on the outside, I can do it, I can do it. Rip the bandage off. Do it!! The technique worked. I made it through the first semester. I survived on my own.

Now when I think back, I realize I had so much time on my hands, I could have done so much, I could have explored the city, but I wasn't ready to be THAT brave. I did just enough to show my parents (and maybe myself) that I could handle myself, that they don't need to worry about sending me away.

Second semester began. By now I was used to the university environment and so was ready to face a few extra challenges. I started attending events, became career oriented, participated as a volunteer, pushing myself to socialize and make contacts. What did I learn. Volunteer, sure. I can do it. Socialize. not my thing. (I will leave this for another post). Overall, hectic semester. juggling between assignments, projects, presentations, seminars, coop interviews. At the same time, I enjoyed it. I had great professors. I rediscovered my love for programming. I got a summer internship. everything was working out great.

Semester ends. short visit to Riyadh. So happy to meet my best friend/neighbor once again. Sad I couldn't stay to attend her big day.

Summer internship starts. Mom returns with me. Almost 4 months in now. I absolutely loved it. I love working, I am a workaholic. My state these days is ... as long as I am at work, I'm happy. I come home, I keep thinking about work. I can't wait to get back to work the next day. I was going through my tweets the other day and realized what a geek I've become. I don't want to go back to studies after this experience. Work aside, this summer I also realized something else. The last 8 months had a greater impact on me than I realized. I thought I was pushing myself to go out. At some point that changed. I got used to it. I got used to doing things on my own. Now the situation is slightly different from the first 8 months and I can feel the difference.

...to be continued