Not in my own words

1. 

"I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point in my career, I started to believe “help” was a four-letter word. OK, well, it technically is, but you know what I mean. Somewhere, I had picked up the idea that asking for helpwas tantamount to admitting weakness, and ultimately, failure. It wasn’t until I had a team of my own to manage that I realized that there’s real value in admitting “Hey! I need help.” I had a few employees who were in their first jobs out of college, and, to put it bluntly, they had a lot to learn. I didn’t expect them to know everything—yet, somehow, they always seemed to think that I did, and, by consequence, that they shouldn’t ask questions. It rarely ended well." 

source: http://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2012/09/20/the-right-way-to-ask-for-help-at-work/ 

2. 

I work at at a technology company. I've been there for a while now, but the more recent hires are more specialized and experienced. I haven't specialized within the company, I don't have their years of work and life experience, and I don't feel like I have their general level of confidence, either. I also don't feel like I know our software as well as I should after so many years of working on various parts of it. I know I'm smart, or at least I used to be; maybe I'm just feeling dumb now because I've finally found a bunch of smart people to work with? In any case, feeling dumb really stresses me out, because intelligence has been such a huge part of my identity, and that's really hurting my performance. I don't get a lot of positive feedback, I don't usually get negative feedback when I expect it, but I also get unexpected negative feedback sometimes, which really hurts (because I try to anticipate all criticism), and fear of negative feedback is one reason I don't reach out to co-workers more often. I can ask for help on some things, but I feel like I need more help than I should, so I don't always ask for help even when it could be useful. I want to feel good at my job. I want somebody to notice and say something about my work being good. Maybe my coworkers don't remember or understand the need for that, because they're more experienced, more confident generally, more interested in just doing their own work? Or maybe I'm just really not doing well, or at least not doing anything noteworthy in any way. Which is how I feel, but I don't know how to change it. 

source: comments at: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/shrinkingcamel/2009/06/25/are-you-feeling-stupid-at-work-im-here-to-help/

3.

Separate your own ego: I used to think I was egoless, because I felt insecure, so where’s the ego there? But it is there. Ego is just as involved in insecurity as it is in arrogance. You’re worried about how the world is perceiving you. You’re fearing people will spot your imperfections. You’re attached to and driven by the opinions of others. Acknowledge your ego. Know that if your response to someone is based on fear, it’s your ego talking, telling you you’re not good enough. The more aware of it you are, the more you can learn to separate from it and send it love, instead of letting it control you and your emotions. 

source: http://gentlelivingonline.com/confidence-2/how-to-stop-feeling-intimidated-by-people/

Beginning of a new chapter in life

It has been over 2 years since my last visit to this blog. Alot has changed since then. Honestly, I don't remember what happened 2 years ago. One of the reasons why I wanted to blog today. I went back and read some of my earlier posts, It felt like reading a memoir. an incomplete memoir. A big piece of me that I now recognize is missing. I feel like I have changed so much ... actually no, changed isn't the right word. I would say I've discovered myself or I understand myself a little better now. This post is an entry for my future self to fill in the gap for the last 2 years. Let's see if facebook can help remind me of my activities over the past 2 years. *jump to 2013*

[Flashback]

January 2013: Javascript ... (skip) (skip) lyrics. nothing interesting

[Scene ends. darkness]

[Flashback]

Fast forward to 2014:

Applying to universities for masters. secretly giving IELTS. FYP. watching my friends applying for jobs and giving interviews. Degree about to end. fear of failing 'Software for Mobile Devices' and hence not graduating.  Moment when I find out I passed. Cleared the degree on time. sigh of relief. return to Riyadh. Hearing about friends starting their jobs. Sort of going into depression not knowing what's next for me. Finally find out that I got accepted in Masters program. Back to Lahore for graduation. saying goodbye to friends and family.

[Scene ends. darkness]

Last 10 days of August 2014: I finally had peace of mind that I wasn't going to be sitting idle at home with no job. At the same time, I didn't want to leave home. I had come back to live with my parents after 4 years, I didn't want to leave. But I didn't know how to say it.

[Scene ends. darkness]

[New life begins]

I arrived in Ottawa on 1st September 2014. I was going to be living with my brother after about 7 years. I didn't know what to expect. Moving to a new place without my parents. Before this day, I had mentioned to several of my friends how I wanted to be independent. Now I had the opportunity. Not just opportunity, it became a need. I needed to become independent, and it scared me. My brother showed me once how to use the bus, got me a SIM and the next day I was on my own. Figuring out bus routes, getting to university, resolving administrative issues, getting settled in a new environment... All of a sudden being independent didn't seem so appealing. My approach in all new situations is always the same. Pretend to be brave for the first couple of days and then you get used to it. On the inside I would be scared, on the outside, I can do it, I can do it. Rip the bandage off. Do it!! The technique worked. I made it through the first semester. I survived on my own.

Now when I think back, I realize I had so much time on my hands, I could have done so much, I could have explored the city, but I wasn't ready to be THAT brave. I did just enough to show my parents (and maybe myself) that I could handle myself, that they don't need to worry about sending me away.

Second semester began. By now I was used to the university environment and so was ready to face a few extra challenges. I started attending events, became career oriented, participated as a volunteer, pushing myself to socialize and make contacts. What did I learn. Volunteer, sure. I can do it. Socialize. not my thing. (I will leave this for another post). Overall, hectic semester. juggling between assignments, projects, presentations, seminars, coop interviews. At the same time, I enjoyed it. I had great professors. I rediscovered my love for programming. I got a summer internship. everything was working out great.

Semester ends. short visit to Riyadh. So happy to meet my best friend/neighbor once again. Sad I couldn't stay to attend her big day.

Summer internship starts. Mom returns with me. Almost 4 months in now. I absolutely loved it. I love working, I am a workaholic. My state these days is ... as long as I am at work, I'm happy. I come home, I keep thinking about work. I can't wait to get back to work the next day. I was going through my tweets the other day and realized what a geek I've become. I don't want to go back to studies after this experience. Work aside, this summer I also realized something else. The last 8 months had a greater impact on me than I realized. I thought I was pushing myself to go out. At some point that changed. I got used to it. I got used to doing things on my own. Now the situation is slightly different from the first 8 months and I can feel the difference.

...to be continued

I'm Fine

Derek: How is Meredith anyway?

Cristina: Fine. 

Derek: She’s always fine. That’s her problem. 

Cristina: We’re fine people. We do fine. We’re fine.

...In the Absence of Hope

MEREDITH: “…You think you have forever, but you don’t… I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today.”CRISTINA: [pauses, then drags Meredith out of bed] “Whatever. Everybody has problems. Get your ass out of bed and get to work. NOW! Move, move, move!”

Optimist vs Pessimist. Which am I? (posted on Oct 14, 2012)

I’ve thought about this quite often. I’m always trying to be an optimist. Always hoping that things will work out for the best eventually if not immediately. I’m not saying I don’t think about what could go wrong. It’s natural that the thought occurs, but I force myself to not think of it and instead  think of how something could be positive.

But at times, while talking to people, I think is this the right approach? People think about the future and plan. I avoid thinking of the future, avoid thinking of what could go wrong. As a result I don’t prepare myself. I tell people that chances are that things won’t work out the way you plan, so why worry about it now? I mean, worry now, and worry later. isn’t it better to relax now and worry when you actually have to. 

I see bad things happening all around me, but instead of criticizing the culprit, I wonder what was he thinking while committing such an act? what forced him into this? what went wrong in his life that made him this way?

I’m afraid that by not seeing the truth for what it is, closing my eyes to reality, I’m hiding myself inside a bubble where I think no evil exists. But the problem is just because I refuse to see the evil, doesn’t mean that evil doesn’t exist or that it won’t hunt me down and prove me wrong. What if I realize it too late?

Okay, so I’m realizing now that right in the start I said I try to think positive, and this entire post is about what could go wrong, that’s quite negative.  =/

B for Busy. B for Bored

During the Semester, can’t wait for summer holidays. During the final exams, literally counting days when the exams will be over and I’ll have freedom. freedom to do anything I want (almost anything )

First day of vacation, yayyyy holidays, sleep it off.

second day, yayyyyynessss. I can do anything I want. catch up with tv shows or something

third day, ummm, what do I do now?

fourth day, call up friends asking them what to do. how to spend the summer.

remaining holidays. I’m bored. tell me what to do. I have nothing to do. aarrrggghhh.

This is how I spend my summer. These days I’m so bored out of my mind. nothing interests me anymore. yeah I watch tv-shows but unlike before, I’m just watching them to finish them off. sure once I start watching, it grabs my attention, keeps me busy for 2 days, and then again I’m like now what. then feel guilty about wasting holidays, work a little and then again start another tv show and the cycle keeps repeating. This is how spent a month. time flies by.

Before starting university, I used to love watching movies, and now I can’t get myself to start watching a movie. my frequency of watching movies every weekend or daily on vacation has dropped down to once or twice a month. i like movies but it just doesn’t grab my attention like it used to. All the time I have this voice in the back of my head telling me you are wasting time. you should work. so I start to work, and I get really involved in it. work continuously for hours non-stop. but then there comes a point when you get exhausted and you take a break, and then that break doesn’t end.

The worst thing is when I start thinking. my mind goes haywire, it just starts to work and think and think and think and think and think and think and …… never stops. and even if I try I can’t stop it. I try to think of something particular, remember something, I can’t because I feel like I have a mind block. its just the worst feeling ever. due to this I feel lazy and tired all the time.  I want to think about important things like set goals for myself. Plan for the future but NO, my brain’s too busy processing other stuff to care what I want to think about =/

so the point of this this entire post was that the only thing that has managed to grab my attention this summer is TEDxTalks. sure I’m wasting time but I also get the feeling that I’m learning something. these will definitely help me somewhere sometime in life. Although I must admit, because of my busy brain my memory has become so bad I can’t recall what I heard moments after I complete the video. yeah so anyways, I’m gonna be posting the good ones here, try to check ‘em out. you won’t be disappointed.

Suicide Bombers (posted on June 26, 2012)

I came across this piece of writing, and it reminded me of “suicide bombers” as mentioned by Nadeem Chawhan, A guest speak in my Organisational Behavior class.

http://haveheart.com/features/self.html

It’s important for us to stay away from suicide bombers, but its not really that easy 

I’ll try looking for what I mean by suicide bombers here. *youtube search*. Long search. can’t find it at the moment. If I come across it later, I’ll post it then.

basically the concept is that anybody who spreads negative thoughts is a suicide bomber. so stay away from them.

I did it Again (posted on june 12, 2012)

I know, I know…I said I wouldn’t stop blogging, but the truth is after the exams ended, I forgot I had a blog =/ SADNESS. seriously, what kind of blogger am I if I forget about my own blog. I’ll try my best that it doesn’t happen again.

I’m happy today. over the past year, I thought I changed. Today, I realized, I didn’t change after all. I realized I’m my mom’s copy, and these similarities, no one can change them about me. Now, what I thought were changes, I wouldn’t call them changes anymore. I would call them exceptions, in the form of best friends.

okay, that’s a short post. I’m out of things to say =/

ummm…its a start. better than nothing, right?

GoodBye One Tree Hill

9 years of one tree hill, finally come to an end.
“it resonates with people on a very personal level” – Nathan Scott
“feel like I have a history and a family, that’s gonna be the hardest to walk away from” – Quinn
“its like you have a friend or a loved one, that you know you’re not gonna see anymore” Mark Schwahn
“this was somewhat of a coming of age show. we met our characters as juniors in highschool. to spend 9 years with those characters, you can feel so much growth” - Mark Schwahn

youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMenv6_UVXA&feature=share

one tree hill meant different things to different audiences…for some people it was guilty pleasure. we did psychos, and we did car crashes. we never set put to make it that way. for many of our fans it was not that. It was very heart felt and very real. sometimes we wanted the small moments to be the big moments. and other times we wanted it to be, loud and scary, and mysterious. we wanted to leave people on the edge of their seat

youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8PT0XB2oBY&feature=share

Thank you Mark Schwahn

youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuDVjuFKgmA&feature=share

One tree hill will be greatly missed. I grew up with this show. There was this connection with the characters, that I’m going to miss the most.

End of Semester (posted April 25, 2012)

Sorry guys for the delay. I know its been quite long since the last post. I’ve been busy with midterms, and now since the end of semester is near, have loads of projects. not enough time.

Talking about the end of semester, is that a good thing or not? I mean end of semester means exams [hate exams], but it also means holidays [yayness]. so I guess I’ll go with the good thing 

Like every year, I have all these plans for things I have to go through for the finals, but I’m pretty sure I won’t. I just can’t study for exams until a day before. actually for these midterms, I wasn’t even tensed a day before, tension started on the exam morning. unless I’m tensed I can’t study properly. I’m going to have to pay the price for this. anyways, I just hope the finals go well.

btw, does anyone agree with me when I say Exams can’t really judge how much we have learnt. I would say assignments are the real test [that is if you do them yourself, no copying]. I mean, people who know everything usually end up making blunders in exams because of the time constraint. My point being, final exams shouldn’t have a 50% weightage.  but again,  who would listen to me?

hopefully my next post will be soon [before the finals], but no promises

Infinite Loop of Life

this is another quote from One Tree Hill.

“Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us? ” – Lucas Scott

Do you know the answer? I have thought about it but can’t figure it out. I would just say it goes both ways. but can you choose between the two?

Everything  you do, Everything you don’t do, Every decision you make, everything…determines who you are. Each one of those little decisions you make everyday has an effect on your personality. All those decisions have made you who you are today.

A while ago I thought I wasn’t happy with who I am, but If I was given a choice to go back and change something, I don’t think I would. This made me realize that I don’t really want to change myself. I am satisfied with who I am. Change is inevitable, and I would willingly change myself based on my future encounters, my future decisions, but I wouldn’t change anything from my Past. You don’t really notice when its happening, but after a while, you realize you are not the same person you were.

As for the “if we make moments in our lives”, then I guess, Yes we do. The sort of person you are, your likes, your dislikes, how you react to a situation will make a moment. It happens that one of the most normal, routine day of your life can present a precious moment because of how you react to it.

The People you meet in life also have a significant role in making you who you are. that’s another topic, another quote…

okay so the problem is, how we react to a situation makes a moment. and the moments which occur in our life make us who we are and determine how we react to a situation. so where did this loop start? do we have anything in our control?

Boundaries

“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them “-Grey’s Anatomy

Future

“We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.”
-Meredith. (v.o, 5×23)
Grey’s Anatomy

There's Always a Way

“If I have to I’ll survive it. There’s always a way. When things look like there’s no way, there’s a way. To do the impossible, to survive the in-survivable. There’s always a way. any You, you and I have this in common. We’re inspired. In the face of the impossible, we’re inspired. So if I can offer any advice…Today, if you become frightened, instead become inspired.”
-Grey’s Anatomy

Happiness

“Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends, in the feeling you got when you make someone else’s dreams come true, or in a promise of hope renewed.
It’s okay to let yourself be happy, because you never know how great that happiness might be.
Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life, that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t.
But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it’s so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you’re Happy.” - One Tree Hill

Regret

“Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when you let down a friend. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because for looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regrets by promising to change our own ways. But our biggest regrets are not of things we did — but, for things we didn’t do. Things we didn’t say that could save someone that we care about. Especially, when we can see the dark storm is headed their way.” - One Tree Hill

untitled

so I made another blog a while ago and as expected I didn't follow through with my plans of blogging atleast once a week. now I'm thinking to change that to a tech blog and removing all other posts. since I don't want to remove those posts, I'm gonna shift them here

I DON'T KNOW

Just now I was watching "Ted Talks" and I realized that I wasn't actually WATCHING it or LISTENING to it. Infact what I was doing was looking at the screen and hearing what the man was saying. During the video I managed to grab an idea of what the man was talking about, but as soon as it ended, which is just now, I can't remember anything he said.

I had been trying to figure out why/how my memory had gone so bad and I guess this is the answer. I don't LISTEN, I only hear what's happening in my surroundings.I don't pay attention. Figuring this much out solves one part of the problem. The second part is, WHY DON'T I PAY ATTENTION? I don't know.

Honestly, I'm starting to freak myself out. I don't know who I am anymore. The things which once appealed to me, don't appeal to me anymore. My priorities are all messed up. There are a few things remaining which I am sure I want in life, but the problem is I'm not really doing anything to achieve them. and the answer to everything is I DON'T KNOW =/

-7th August 2012-

I dream of a day ...