I dream of a day ...

ASPIRATION (fantasy)

This was an assignment for Organisation Behavior. It really got me thinking as to what I really wanted to be. Sir told us we could write about anything, It doesn't have to make sense, doesn't have to be logical. Just look into yourself and pour out your feelings. This is what I came up with.

As a kid I wanted to become a doctor. As I became older, I wanted to become a photographer, a mathematician, a scientist, an astronaut, a hair stylist, a chef, a forensic scientist and what not. All these were probably just dreams growing up. These were the answers I would give to people who asked me what I wanted to be. Apart from these there’s this deep down fantasy, something you don’t tell people. For me that was a psychotherapist. I have this feeling of insecurity, trust issues. I feel like I don’t understand people. I don’t know how people think. This is how it all began.
The basic reason why I want to be a psychotherapist is because I want to understand people, understand how a human brain works, how people think, why do we all perceive things differently?
If you know me, you would know that I’m not very talkative at first, I’m more of a listener. I like listening to people, and since I’m not the talkative type, I’m pretty good at keeping secrets. What I’m not good at is giving advice. I would hope to learn this if a plan to do a degree in psychotherapy. Or maybe I won’t need to, because as far as I know, psychotherapist answer questions with questions.
From what I know about myself, psychotherapy is an ideal job for me. I have the need to know things. It’s a job where people can come to me with their problems, and well I can help fix those problems. I’d be helping the society, making people happy. Spreading smiles :)
Apart from helping people, I want to know why we humans behave in a certain way. Why do some people kill? What was a murderer thinking when he first killed? Why do people commit suicide? What could be so bad in life that you simply give up, forget all the good and kill yourself?
I don’t know why I didn’t adopt this as a career when I had the chance. I could have done bachelors in psychotherapy. But I didn’t. This need of mine to know things is deeper than even I realize. I plan to study about it. There are enough books and enough material to learn about it on my own. That is exactly what I’ll do, SOMEDAY.

How I would like to perceive my current Situation ...

This is going to be my first real post since I joined University.
Firstly, University life is NOTHING like what we are told or what we have seen in movies. As far as my university life is concerned, I would say, university is study study study, sleep, study. zero social life. okay maybe not zero, but very low. on a scale of 1 to 100, lets say 10. [that's just me]

I have my finals very soon. Last week of classes in progress. Overburdened with assignments, projects, term papers, presentation, quizzes, evaluations and what not.
This thought struck my mind and I felt the need to blog. so here I am after all this time.

"Our teachers torture us because they care about our future. We let them torture us because we care about our future. Our family on the other hand cares about us and scold us and tell us to take a break from studies as an attempt to keep us sane. They are the only ones who care about our PRESENT."
So don't hate them for scolding you, don't be mad at them. They want you to enjoy today, and not worry about the future. (oh, and don't forget, your grades are your responsibility. They have nothing to do with your family telling you to take a break). This is what I'm trying to make myself believe at the moment. Don't know how much of this is true :P

Also, I'm forced to wonder, how we came to this stage. There used to be a time when we would get scolded because we didn't want to study. Now, we get scolded because we study all the time.

P.S If you don't agree, re-read the post replacing all "we" with "I"
P.P.S Listen to your Parents, they know what's best for you. I didn't, Now I'm paying the Price. [#medical, #FAST...If you know what I mean]

I AM who I AM

Introspective

You like your own company; you're a very interesting person. Tracking your own mental processes, knowing what you're thinking and why you do what you do, is important to you. Often, what's going on in your mind is more compelling than what's going on outside. For the most part, those with a high score on the "introspective" trait enjoy reading, taking long walks, learning new things, and other solitary activities.
You are not someone who is constantly looking to be among a group of friends; you never feel bored when you are by yourself.


Buttoned-Down

You like to know that everything is in its place; it's somehow empowering to know that the world around you is neat and organized. For you, schedules and timelines are great ways to stay on track, and mowing down the items on your "to do" list is a source of happiness.
You do not believe that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn't have enough to do; you don't thrive on a sense of personal anarchy.


Reserved

You are somewhat shy, or at least unwilling to spend all your time socializing. With you it's true that "still waters run deep," which is why many of your acquaintances never get to know you well.
You are not always ready to talk at the drop of a hat. Whether you're in the office or at a party, you're not likely to be found gabbing away in the middle of a group of people.


Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.


Solitary

You are a private person, not very comfortable in a big group, and view excessive socializing as a waste of time.
You not prefer hanging out with others to spending time alone; you do not tend to feel at home in a crowded room, club, stadium, or auditorium.


Discreet

You tend to hold onto your thoughts until you have something important to say, and even then you're not comfortable imposing your ideas on others unless you know they're truly interested.
You don't enjoy talking for the sake of talking, and you have no desire to be the center of attention.


Cooperative

You enjoy teamwork, play well with others, and prefer getting along to winning.
You're not compelled to win every contest nor to be right all the time.


Scrupulous

You are an honest, fair person. You don't lie or cheat to get ahead. You treat others with respect and hope for the same in return.
You do not feel that you are above the rules that everyone else follows; you are definitely not willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.


Conscientious

You feel it's important to work according to a plan and finish every task, to do things correctly and thoroughly.
You are not the kind of person who abandons a project before finishing it, or slacks off when you've lost interest.


Prudent

You look before you leap, think before you act, consider what you're about to say before you open your mouth to speak; that's why you rarely have to eat your words.
You usually don't get excited easily or blurt out the first thing that comes to mind without considering the consequences.

I'm in CONTROL!

I wrote this in class after Ms. Sajida was called out of the class and everyone was talking among themselves, actually more like screaming their heads off.

There's another side to ME, The side that I don't really like, the side that prevents me from being happy. It controls me in state of confusion, in awkward situations, it controls what I think and say. It thinks too much leaving my mind exhausted and blocked. It prevents happy feelings from entering it.

The thing I hate about most about it is that, it prevents me from saying what I actually think and feel and often results in artificial answers. I would like to apologise to everyone who has been a victim of this, WAIT, are you the victim, or am I? I suddenly feel like I’m the victim. I’ve been the only victim all along.

I’m confused and cannot decide when I’m ME and when this other person takes over.

Those artificial smiles and artificial phrases are not who I am, Those are the things I sometimes end up regretting. But it’s not always fake, not with my true friends. There have been frequent occasions in the past 2 years, when I have experienced real emotions. REAL HAPPINESS.

But then I think back and realise that, this other person is also ME and is a huge part of what makes me ME. Without it I won’t be who I am. I won’t be the person you are friends with, and I’m not ready to let go and so I’m not ready to let this other person go

I think it’s coming back…taking over ME or taking over itself?

Who to Blame?

It's been a long since I blogged last time. Truth is I don't know what to blog about anymore. I blame "TWITTER" for that and I blame @sheenamalik for asking me to join twitter. The result is, all the time I'm thinking about twitter. I wake up the morning, get dressed and end up on twitter. Come back from school and am on twitter the entire day. In school, usually in Maths class, Ms rubina would say something funny and all I can think about is "I have to tweet this, I wish I had my cell phone right now and I could tweet this, I'll go home and tweet this". So by the time I get home, I forget what I had to tweet and I don't remember enough details to blog either.

Now you see I was planning on sharing another one of my theories with you but ended up talking about TWITTER. It's kind of like my new "ONE TREE HILL". first I used to tell everyone to watch ONE TREE HILL, now I tell everyone to join TWITTER.

Here it goes, this is the second time I've noticed noticed this. It was an amazing weather this morning, wasn't warm, not too cold either, but nice cool winds, and as soon as I came in contact with the cool winds, I immediately had a smile on my face and the entire day at school was amazing, laughing with friends the entire time. so, based on my experience, I propose that,
weather has a significant effect on a persons mood. A good weather or more appropriately, the weather you enjoy would almost always put you in a good mood.

Twice may not be enough to base a theory on, but it is very rare that Riyadh experiences such an amzazing weather, and so its not possible for me to test my theory. I'd leave that up to you.

I would love to know if you agree with me or not. @sheenamalik would probably disagree. because right after the biology lesson, I realized that she wasn't having as good a day as I was. {I wrote the entire blog in the bio lesson, and soon after that realized that the theory has already been proven wrong =( }

E.FULL as Nosh would say it!

I'm gonna share with u something i wrote down long time
ago, long before i had i blog, to be exact, it was on 3rd december 2006. I was
going through my drawer a couple of nights back and found this piece of paper
hidden in a diary.

" 3 dec. 2006

I feel as if no one cares about me. Everyone thinks as if I have no fellings.
They think I have no right to get angry and cry. I should do what they want me
to do. I should make others happy and not care about my own feelings.

THINGS I HAVE TO DO: Control my temper and not cry unnecesarily"

I can't remeber the incident that led me write this, but
this and lots of other similar thoughts still come into my mind when i'm angry.

Since then, I believe i have gained some control on my temper, but still can't
control the unnecesary crying.

Right now I'm not angry, and I do realize that its wrong of me to say these
things...cause there are uncountable people who actually care about me.